SO YOU’VE BEEN DUMPED!
STEP 5: PLAN YOUR FUNERAL
No, don’t really off yourself. It bums people out, and someone is going to have to clean up the mess when you’re done. But while you’re vomiting and shaking from the previous night’s alcohol poisoning, use this time to ponder just how your now-ex would feel upon hearing of your tragic death.
Maybe you tossed yourself from the tallest building with their name written across your chest. Maybe you took 18276 pills and drifted into the ether on their doorstep with a boombox playing that song you always sang to each other on infinite repeat. Maybe you died a heroic death saving 204 blind, deaf and legless school children from the top floor of a burning 8 story building.
And now, that unappreciative, ungrateful former lover would have to go through life knowing that they were so cruel to you just before your untimely end. They would cry. They would be devastated. They would be filled with unbearable regret and never get over it. And you would be smiling down from heaven enjoying every minute of their anguish. Or smiling up. Whatever. Either way, you’re smiling.
SO YOU’VE BEEN DUMPED! STEP 4: FIND MISERABLE COMPANY
Live the cliché like there’s no tomorrow. Seek out other heartbroken, miserable people. That girl in the club bathroom crying off her poorly planned non-waterproof mascara? Dude in the corner of the bar who looks like he’s deciding whether to blow his brains out in his bedroom or his bathroom, while checking his phone listlessly over and over again? Go on over and strike up a conversation! Betcha have a lot in common.
Listen to their story, tell them yours, hug and replay Step 1. Repeat with anyone else you can find who is going through the same thing. Make pacts not to call the fuckweasels who dumped you. Tell each other how awesome of a catch the other is. Tell the other person everything they want to hear and they will surely return the favor.
Strangers are a bonus because you never have to see them again and they won’t ever tell your other friends how you blew snot bubbles while sobbing your beloved’s name.
SO YOU’VE BEEN DUMPED! STEP 3: DRINK HEAVILY
Drown your sorrows. Nevermind what your sponsor or doctor or that stupid bartender who says you’ve had enough say. It’s your liver and your misery, and no one can tell youtr sehtw j do. You have money, take it youwhe sdg s! Am I right? Am right? Who put this chair here?
Try to bring a friend who can get you home, and wear shoes you don’t particularly like because you will lose one of them to either vomit or a magical disappearance spell (especially if you got dumped by a magician or a wizard).
Be sure to go somewhere cheap for your booze – you are going for quantity over quality here, and since you will now be spending more money on therapy and antidepressants you want to be able to save wherever you can. Times are tough. Be sure to drink enough water because you will undoubtedly be revisiting Step 1 during a lot of Step 3, and we don’t want you getting dehydrated. Celebrities get “dehydrated” all the time, and we all know that usually turns out spectacularly badly for them (although it’s amusing for the rest of us).