SO YOU’VE BEEN DUMPED!
STEP 5: PLAN YOUR FUNERAL
No, don’t really off yourself. It bums people out, and someone is going to have to clean up the mess when you’re done. But while you’re vomiting and shaking from the previous night’s alcohol poisoning, use this time to ponder just how your now-ex would feel upon hearing of your tragic death.
Maybe you tossed yourself from the tallest building with their name written across your chest. Maybe you took 18276 pills and drifted into the ether on their doorstep with a boombox playing that song you always sang to each other on infinite repeat. Maybe you died a heroic death saving 204 blind, deaf and legless school children from the top floor of a burning 8 story building.
And now, that unappreciative, ungrateful former lover would have to go through life knowing that they were so cruel to you just before your untimely end. They would cry. They would be devastated. They would be filled with unbearable regret and never get over it. And you would be smiling down from heaven enjoying every minute of their anguish. Or smiling up. Whatever. Either way, you’re smiling.
SO YOU’VE BEEN DUMPED! STEP 4: FIND MISERABLE COMPANY
Live the cliché like there’s no tomorrow. Seek out other heartbroken, miserable people. That girl in the club bathroom crying off her poorly planned non-waterproof mascara? Dude in the corner of the bar who looks like he’s deciding whether to blow his brains out in his bedroom or his bathroom, while checking his phone listlessly over and over again? Go on over and strike up a conversation! Betcha have a lot in common.
Listen to their story, tell them yours, hug and replay Step 1. Repeat with anyone else you can find who is going through the same thing. Make pacts not to call the fuckweasels who dumped you. Tell each other how awesome of a catch the other is. Tell the other person everything they want to hear and they will surely return the favor.
Strangers are a bonus because you never have to see them again and they won’t ever tell your other friends how you blew snot bubbles while sobbing your beloved’s name.
SO YOU’VE BEEN DUMPED! STEP 3: DRINK HEAVILY
Drown your sorrows. Nevermind what your sponsor or doctor or that stupid bartender who says you’ve had enough say. It’s your liver and your misery, and no one can tell youtr sehtw j do. You have money, take it youwhe sdg s! Am I right? Am right? Who put this chair here?
Try to bring a friend who can get you home, and wear shoes you don’t particularly like because you will lose one of them to either vomit or a magical disappearance spell (especially if you got dumped by a magician or a wizard).
Be sure to go somewhere cheap for your booze – you are going for quantity over quality here, and since you will now be spending more money on therapy and antidepressants you want to be able to save wherever you can. Times are tough. Be sure to drink enough water because you will undoubtedly be revisiting Step 1 during a lot of Step 3, and we don’t want you getting dehydrated. Celebrities get “dehydrated” all the time, and we all know that usually turns out spectacularly badly for them (although it’s amusing for the rest of us).
SO YOU GOT DUMPED! STEP 2: RALLY YOUR FRIENDS
Update your facebook to let everyone know how you just got your heart broken like the gullible ass you are. Call your close friends and let them know. It may seem pathetic, but at least you will get a lot of sympathy. Enjoy it. Let it replace all the love you just had torn away from you that you will never have again because no one in the universe could possibly give you all the wonderful things he/she gave you while you were together. Your friends will tell you he/she wasn’t worthy, you will find love again, they will be there for you, they have alcohol or drugs for you. Say yes to all of it. Today is your pity party and gifts are expected.
Tell each of your close friends every tiny detail of the breakup. They don’t really want to hear it, but they will listen. Milk that, because frankly you need to relive this over and over and over and over and over again to make sure you didn’t miss some hidden clue that your suddenly-now-ex might actually still love you and want to be with you and is really just confused. (*NOTE: while you’re on facebook, unfriend the man/woman of your dreams, but only if you have other mutual friends that can spy on him/her for you).
SO YOU’VE BEEN DUMPED! STEP 1: CRY. A LOT.
For most people, this comes very naturally. If you’re already doing it, good for you! See, you’re already winning! Crying helps relieve stress, moisturizes the sinuses and makes your vision so blurry that you can’t possibly see well enough to text, message, email or dial the person who ripped your guts out, danced seductively with them and acted like they were doing you both a favor by doing so. If you can, cry in public, preferably on public transportation. But please, do it quietly as to not disturb the other passengers. Be sure to look at pictures of your one true love on your phone while you cry – they will look even more beautiful through the glamor haze of your tears.
SO YOU’VE BEEN DUMPED!
A devastated person’s guide to navigating the crushing despair of being horribly rejected by someone you still love. (With illustrations!)
CONGRATULATIONS! You have successfully embarked on one of the most painful human experiences there is, just shy of the death of a loved one or being set on fire. As you walk this path there will be many thoughtful people who want you to perk up, smell the roses (which you won’t be having many of anymore) or count your blessings. Smile politely and tell them to go fuck themselves, because you have a better plan in mind! In this series, I will guide you through many innovative steps to get you exactly what you need to survive this onslaught of misery. (*Disclaimer: Following these steps may actually make things much, much worse.)
So wipe the snot off your upper lip with the sleeve of the shirt you’ve been wearing for the past three days and let’s begin!